A lot, apparently.
I currently have Deer-in-the-Headlights Syndrome. Again. And when that happens, I can't write, I can't paint and I can't really say much, if put on the spot. I stare longingly at my ginormous jar of bottle caps, waiting for them to tell me where they belong…. in a painting? a table top? speak louder my little colorful ones. I can't hear you. I even periodically walk into the closet that holds all of my art supplies, thinking something in there will wave wildly for my attention. I mean, I'm not kidding. I go in there at least a couple of times a day. Nothing. It's a block. An effing giant creative block by it's most annoying definition.
I never remember how I snap out of it either. Sometimes it's a matter of just forcing myself to do something creative and it becomes a trigger for something bigger. Sometimes it's a cause, like a charity event, that I always enthusiastically sign up for block or not, and end up not completing until the last minute, and hating it. Actually, the hating it thing also happens when I try to force a painting, just to trigger something bigger. Reminds of this thing I found about a year ago, while researching art on Pintrest (for inspiration, ironically enough). It's from a creative person named Natalya Lobanova. You might even recognize it, or have seen something similar. I call her a "creative person" because well, she is, but also I don't know how to describe what she does. This is what it is/says... And I totally get it:
Her blog is really interesting. It's a tumblr account and it's happy2bsad.tumblr.com. I completely recommend you check her out. She has some cool things to show you.
So getting back to the block, I'm sure you're all aware of the Meeting of the Monkeys that happens every night. (I've mentioned it on Facebook quite a bit.) If you aren't, it's how I refer to my insomnia. When I was living in Denver, I had a Native American massage therapist refer to the noise in your head that keeps you awake (hence the insomnia) as "Monkey Talk". For me, it occurs between 2 and 5am, most of the time. Sometimes it happens before I even try to fall asleep. Like tonight. Which I think is totally rude of them. Anyway, I'm realizing THEY are the block. They are the friggin block. They're the ones with the headlights into which I am staring blindly right now. And it's because they won't shut up. It happens when they have too much to say and can't sort through it calmly enough to articulate any of it. I picture them creating their own little pyramid wall blocking the view like water-skiing monkeys in formation. You know, like standing on each other's shoulders and shit. Crazy little bastards. All their talk about cancer and botched surgeries and shitty jobs and how helpless they feel that they can't heal the people they love, much less be with any of them to try.… Fucking monkeys. Just breathe already. Take a break. Shut up for 5 minutes, for crying out loud. You might hear/see things a little clearer. Sigh.
All of that said, I'm really sorry for this non-entry today. There's just too many of them this week for me to sort through the things I want to discuss. But they did remind me that new blogs need new entries semi-regularly so that people will keep reading. And I do so hope you keep reading. The ever elusive "they" say that it's always darkest before the dawn, so there's hope for a clearing soon. It's pretty damn dark in here right now, that's for sure.
Stay tuned. Thoughts on home. Thoughts on love. Coming soon.
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