(original entry written July 4th, 2013, 3:15am)
So, I have these little "a-ha moments", epiphanies if you will, almost daily now. Most I can't remember by the end of the day to write down. The important ones stick with me. At least until the next one happens, as my memory is total shit anymore... But you know what I'm talking about, the moment when something suddenly make sense… like when you first realize where a phrase comes from… "We have to make a pit stop on the way back" was one I never thought twice about. Until I moved to NC in 1997 where car racing is a family past time and discussed at Sunday dinner. Yes, I am saying that I didn't make the connection between racing and the phrase until adulthood, even when my parents had been saying it my whole life. I didn't grow up with racing. I hate car racing. How would I have known what a pit was, let alone that they stopped there to refuel or change tires during a race? I was living with my other best friend at the time. I remember how hard she laughed at that, and told me I should probably never admit that to anyone. haha
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I have these little moments where some things are just making sense to me now. What the word "home" means. What not to do when it comes to relationships like stay in one when your insides are telling you you're done. Or that no matter how hard you try, the opposite side of two magnets will never come together no matter how hard you force it.
Last week an ex-boyfriend from my first NC days in the 90's helped me move some bigger stuff into my apartment. Now, I totally didn't realize the issue I was going to have with moving stuff as a single girl, until I actually needed a truck. I mean, I had a big, strong handsome Ford Bronco in my life for the past 4 years… Oh how we take such things for granted. I actually kinda miss that thing… Anyway, this Ex graciously helped me by using his truck to pull a U-haul trailer behind it. Before I continue, to be fair we had seen each other once when I first moved back to NC and was staying in Raleigh. We went to a derby party, had fun, and quite honestly it was as if 14 years hadn't gone by at all. So, naturally when he helped me move, we started to reminisce on the good and bad parts of our history together. And the good parts suggested perhaps we could rekindle, because we were 85% really good together. But the bad parts dictated the outcome. I realized I just couldn't. For many reasons. But if not the main reason, then certainly the most important reason is that we just don't know how to disagree. And I guess I don't know how to tell him that. It's interesting to me though. You kinda have to know how to talk through things if you don't agree on a subject. Right? For example, if we both see a red flower, and he is telling me it's blue, when it is truly red, he should be able to listen to the reasons why it is red, and I should be able to articulate those reasons. He won't, and I don't, so we can't. And it causes instant friction. Like that weird friction from the same side of two magnets (remember what that felt like in science class? Totally cool.) Actually not so cool when it's between two people. But it's going to be fine. We make really good friends. We just can't go back to something that can't be resolved. And it would need to be, but since we can't even agree on what color flowers are, that would be fairly impossible. Or, we'd have to start fresh, and I'm not interested in doing so. My insides are telling me I'm done. And I'm really, really sorry about that.
On a lighter note… The longer I live here it appears that I am actually *very* popular with the men here. Like the 65 and Older Club men. *Sigh*. I'm too old for, and invisible to the young ones, and WAY not interested in the 65AOC. No offense to the older gentlemen though. I admire their tenacity. For now I'm so very ok with all of it, to be honest.
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