The Journey Continues: A Commitment.

So, I've realized my Mom has been wrong about me, when it comes to the word "commitment", and in response to my moving about the country as often as I do. But to be fair, I haven't exactly tried to counter. Partially because I thought she was right all this time, but also because I couldn't find the right words to defend my choices in life. Until now, that is. 

As I was getting ready to move again, I asked myself the same series of questions I always ask before I move to a new city. Things like "What in bloody hell am I doing?" And "Why am I doing it this time?" And a new one, "How can I leave the beach?" as so many people have been asking me. And once again the question as to whether or not my Mom is right about me, came up. My Mother calls me noncommittal. "The Noncommittal Queen" to be exact, with the cities I've lived in, in relationships I've had, and jobs I've held… you name it. Unfortunately, that term of endearment has set me up for failure at times. And a few years ago, made me stay in a situation longer than I should have, just to try and prove it wrong. I certainly don't fault her for it. I can understand why she or anyone else would see it that way. But I'm now realizing "noncommittal" isn't the correct term to use. It has always been more about finding my way. My journey. And it's about attachment. "Uh oh", you're thinking. But keep reading… perhaps it will make sense without sounding like a total couch-needing, defense mechanism. *wink*

Let's take the beach as an example. How can I leave the beach. Well, I mean, it is true; the beach did bring me peace. I do love it so. It helped me heal a few wounds that were inflicted by my last 7 years. I sat and enjoyed the sun, the sand and the ocean both during the height of the summer and the quiet of the winter. And I met some really good people there (like my little brother, Marc… Hi little brother!). It was an important leg of my journey that has set me up for the next, and I will cherish it always. But as I stood on the deck, holding a glass of wine, looking out at it's beauty taking as much in as I could before I left, I didn't feel anything towards it in regard to leaving it. Not because I am heartless or unfeeling, but because my time there had run it's course. And, because I am not attached to it. It will stand on it's own just as beautiful with, or without me, and so will I without it. 

See, some of my attachments have been extremely strong. And beautiful. And painful. They were feelings for certain people. Jobs I've put my whole heart into. Animals I have loved and lost. Even a few paintings I've done, believe it or not. But I've learned when we attach ourselves too tightly to the connection with someone or some thing, it can suffocate the purity of it's original foundation. Think Lenny and his mouse. And the more often we form attachments, and the tighter we grab hold of them, the more unhealthy it can become. And that can either damage the connection, or make it more difficult to let go of when the time comes. And it will. I mean, people move, things change, and people pass on from this life. Life happens. It's important that you know I'm not saying that in a negative way. I'm genuinely not. It's not me being "guarded" or defensive. It's simply reality. And why lovely moments are so very precious when they happen. Because I have learned not to hold on too tightly, I can remain open to new experiences as they come. For better or for worse.

You should also know that just because I don't form certain attachments doesn't mean I don't know how to love deeply or care wholeheartedly about someone or something. Or commit. In fact, it proves all of the opposite. It's about allowing things to live and exist freely as they are, separate from, but along side of me, having the grace to let go, and understanding that all will be ok if I do. It's about doing the right thing. And about enjoying the person/place/thing while it's in my life without a choke-hold on it. It leaves a door open for people to come through, and for me to return to them.  

The bottom line is that I just don't attach myself very tightly to what I am committed to. I live very simply and honestly, and I try daily, to always do the right thing for the right reasons. All of this leaves me open for change. It allows for mutual room to breathe. To move around. And to mutually learn and grow. And if the time comes where the path splits, or there's a plot twist, like now for example, I can move forward with integrity, appreciating the experience as it were, without hard feelings. And without regret.

I will miss the beach, for sure. I will miss my Raleigh families, who I will always be committed to, to no end. It's just time for the next leg of my journey which is to recharge and rebuild with my own family. They are my commitment and my focus now, and I am very excited about it. And just so you know, The Beach Chronicles will continue. Lake Ontario is quite lovely. And there are a number of beaches I will be frequenting. Might even end up living on the lake for it to become Lac du Jardin de Wendy. Who knows. Baby steps. That's the thrill of the journey anyway, isn't it? The unknown. And I will most surely have a LOT to say about all of it. 

Love en masse to you all. ; )

Baby steps...