I've been slacking in writing, I know. I've been slacking with a LOT of things. I mean, I still have to do my taxes. My last entry was an interlude. The following, a prelude. Eventually it will all come together.
So, I've totally had a ginormous chip on my shoulder this week. Like, so big that I must look like Fred Flintstone's car when the waitress delivers the dinosaur ribs to them from the drive-through. Or, as I suggested yesterday, the very Hunchback himself… Quasimodo. I have no idea why it's there. Well, that's not entirely true. I kinda do. But it's so very unflattering to say the least, and I would have to admit to feeling emotions that are less than favorable. Emotions I make the conscious effort not to succumb to in every day life. Emotions, which when combined, boiled down and translated turn out to be just one big, wailing "Waaaaaaaaaaahhh"… SO unflattering.
The thing is, I'm making more changes. Big scary ones. And I've had to really stop and evaluate my life and how I've gotten to where I am. I have a birthday coming up that I'm dreading, which is totally amplifying it all. This past year has been brutal as I have mentioned in previous blog entries, but I had no idea how it was affecting me internally until the time kept passing. And as it passed, it would peck away at what I thought was a fairly sturdy outer shell I had created for myself. More like papier-mâché than a shell, come to find out. (It was *reeeaaally* tough papier-mâché though) And realizing this, along with time, is what most likely birthed this chip. I mean, by definition "having a chip on your shoulder" means holding a grudge or a grievance which can create a feeling of inferiority, ultimately leaving a person quite defensive. Basically, when you carry The Chip you're pretty much still pissed off over something you have experienced. In my case, I'm pretty pissed off for a number of things I've experienced. But I'm realizing I'm also pretty pissed off for things I haven't experienced. And I don't have anyone else to blame but myself. It's just that consciously making big scary changes forces you to further reflect on your current status, which brings up your past experiences, which challenges and questions your future. Inevitably. And man, at the end of the day, it makes an unpalatable recipe for The Chip.
You're probably wondering what's changing THIS time. I know. I have done/said this all before, and again I'm sorry that I'm being so cryptic. If you know me, you know how private I am with my personal stuff. The deeper stuff, that is. A handful of people already know and support me unconditionally like colorful and lovely arm floats, should I start to waver. I just don't feel like discussing it today. Actually, I don't know how to discuss it. Words are playing menacing tricks on me lately, in that I can't find them when I need them. They end up falling out of my eyes in liquid form. Which is really so bizarre. How do they DO that? It's fairly creepy if you ask me. Rude even. *wink*
Anyway, in brief, there's a lot of letting go involved and a lot of temporary compartmentalizing. There's a lot of resolution and a lot of soul-searching. All of which needs to be roasted separately and gently, then layered back together like an honest ratatouille. So, if you don't mind waiting just a little longer, I will pull enough together to provide a bit to chew on. It's overwhelming. But needs to happen soon, because this chip is getting way too heavy to keep carrying around.
To be continued. Love, in giant masses, to you all.
W.
