The Journey Continues: A Commitment.

So, I've realized my Mom has been wrong about me, when it comes to the word "commitment", and in response to my moving about the country as often as I do. But to be fair, I haven't exactly tried to counter. Partially because I thought she was right all this time, but also because I couldn't find the right words to defend my choices in life. Until now, that is. 

As I was getting ready to move again, I asked myself the same series of questions I always ask before I move to a new city. Things like "What in bloody hell am I doing?" And "Why am I doing it this time?" And a new one, "How can I leave the beach?" as so many people have been asking me. And once again the question as to whether or not my Mom is right about me, came up. My Mother calls me noncommittal. "The Noncommittal Queen" to be exact, with the cities I've lived in, in relationships I've had, and jobs I've held… you name it. Unfortunately, that term of endearment has set me up for failure at times. And a few years ago, made me stay in a situation longer than I should have, just to try and prove it wrong. I certainly don't fault her for it. I can understand why she or anyone else would see it that way. But I'm now realizing "noncommittal" isn't the correct term to use. It has always been more about finding my way. My journey. And it's about attachment. "Uh oh", you're thinking. But keep reading… perhaps it will make sense without sounding like a total couch-needing, defense mechanism. *wink*

Let's take the beach as an example. How can I leave the beach. Well, I mean, it is true; the beach did bring me peace. I do love it so. It helped me heal a few wounds that were inflicted by my last 7 years. I sat and enjoyed the sun, the sand and the ocean both during the height of the summer and the quiet of the winter. And I met some really good people there (like my little brother, Marc… Hi little brother!). It was an important leg of my journey that has set me up for the next, and I will cherish it always. But as I stood on the deck, holding a glass of wine, looking out at it's beauty taking as much in as I could before I left, I didn't feel anything towards it in regard to leaving it. Not because I am heartless or unfeeling, but because my time there had run it's course. And, because I am not attached to it. It will stand on it's own just as beautiful with, or without me, and so will I without it. 

See, some of my attachments have been extremely strong. And beautiful. And painful. They were feelings for certain people. Jobs I've put my whole heart into. Animals I have loved and lost. Even a few paintings I've done, believe it or not. But I've learned when we attach ourselves too tightly to the connection with someone or some thing, it can suffocate the purity of it's original foundation. Think Lenny and his mouse. And the more often we form attachments, and the tighter we grab hold of them, the more unhealthy it can become. And that can either damage the connection, or make it more difficult to let go of when the time comes. And it will. I mean, people move, things change, and people pass on from this life. Life happens. It's important that you know I'm not saying that in a negative way. I'm genuinely not. It's not me being "guarded" or defensive. It's simply reality. And why lovely moments are so very precious when they happen. Because I have learned not to hold on too tightly, I can remain open to new experiences as they come. For better or for worse.

You should also know that just because I don't form certain attachments doesn't mean I don't know how to love deeply or care wholeheartedly about someone or something. Or commit. In fact, it proves all of the opposite. It's about allowing things to live and exist freely as they are, separate from, but along side of me, having the grace to let go, and understanding that all will be ok if I do. It's about doing the right thing. And about enjoying the person/place/thing while it's in my life without a choke-hold on it. It leaves a door open for people to come through, and for me to return to them.  

The bottom line is that I just don't attach myself very tightly to what I am committed to. I live very simply and honestly, and I try daily, to always do the right thing for the right reasons. All of this leaves me open for change. It allows for mutual room to breathe. To move around. And to mutually learn and grow. And if the time comes where the path splits, or there's a plot twist, like now for example, I can move forward with integrity, appreciating the experience as it were, without hard feelings. And without regret.

I will miss the beach, for sure. I will miss my Raleigh families, who I will always be committed to, to no end. It's just time for the next leg of my journey which is to recharge and rebuild with my own family. They are my commitment and my focus now, and I am very excited about it. And just so you know, The Beach Chronicles will continue. Lake Ontario is quite lovely. And there are a number of beaches I will be frequenting. Might even end up living on the lake for it to become Lac du Jardin de Wendy. Who knows. Baby steps. That's the thrill of the journey anyway, isn't it? The unknown. And I will most surely have a LOT to say about all of it. 

Love en masse to you all. ; )

Baby steps...

The Chip. A prelude to a change.

I've been slacking in writing, I know. I've been slacking with a LOT of things. I mean, I still have to do my taxes. My last entry was an interlude. The following, a prelude. Eventually it will all come together.

So, I've totally had a ginormous chip on my shoulder this week. Like, so big that I must look like Fred Flintstone's car when the waitress delivers the dinosaur ribs to them from the drive-through. Or, as I suggested yesterday, the very Hunchback himself… Quasimodo. I have no idea why it's there. Well, that's not entirely true. I kinda do. But it's so very unflattering to say the least, and I would have to admit to feeling emotions that are less than favorable. Emotions I make the conscious effort not to succumb to in every day life. Emotions, which when combined, boiled down and translated turn out to be just one big, wailing "Waaaaaaaaaaahhh"…  SO unflattering.

The thing is, I'm making more changes. Big scary ones. And I've had to really stop and evaluate my life and how I've gotten to where I am. I have a birthday coming up that I'm dreading, which is totally amplifying it all. This past year has been brutal as I have mentioned in previous blog entries, but I had no idea how it was affecting me internally until the time kept passing. And as it passed, it would peck away at what I thought was a fairly sturdy outer shell I had created for myself. More like papier-mâché than a shell, come to find out. (It was *reeeaaally* tough papier-mâché though) And realizing this, along with time, is what most likely birthed this chip. I mean, by definition "having a chip on your shoulder" means holding a grudge or a grievance which can create a feeling of inferiority, ultimately leaving a person quite defensive. Basically, when you carry The Chip you're pretty much still pissed off over something you have experienced. In my case, I'm pretty pissed off for a number of things I've experienced. But I'm realizing I'm also pretty pissed off for things I haven't experienced. And I don't have anyone else to blame but myself. It's just that consciously making big scary changes forces you to further reflect on your current status, which brings up your past experiences, which challenges and questions your future. Inevitably. And man, at the end of the day, it makes an unpalatable recipe for The Chip.

You're probably wondering what's changing THIS time. I know. I have done/said this all before, and again I'm sorry that I'm being so cryptic. If you know me, you know how private I am with my personal stuff. The deeper stuff, that is. A handful of people already know and support me unconditionally like colorful and lovely arm floats, should I start to waver. I just don't feel like discussing it today. Actually, I don't know how to discuss it. Words are playing menacing tricks on me lately, in that I can't find them when I need them. They end up falling out of my eyes in liquid form. Which is really so bizarre. How do they DO that? It's fairly creepy if you ask me. Rude even. *wink*

Anyway, in brief, there's a lot of letting go involved and a lot of temporary compartmentalizing. There's a lot of resolution and a lot of soul-searching. All of which needs to be roasted separately and gently, then layered back together like an honest ratatouille. So, if you don't mind waiting just a little longer, I will pull enough together to provide a bit to chew on. It's overwhelming. But needs to happen soon, because this chip is getting way too heavy to keep carrying around.

To be continued. Love, in giant masses, to you all.

W.

And now for a non-musical interlude...

I research a lot of different blogs. And it's so I can see what other people write about topic-wise, if they list favorite blogs, what kind of a following they have, etc... and then follow when I find something that interests me. I usually tend to skip over bloggers who haven't posted an entry in over 6 months, because I'm like, why haven't they? Why bother if you're not going to keep posting stuff? And then I realize a month has gone by since I posted my last entry. Sigh. Life. That's why. So I'm going to be better at it. I will. I just tend to shut down sometimes when life hands me a handful of shit. It usually takes me a while to figure out what to do with that shit. Bury it? Or recycle it. Flush it? Or throw it against the wall like a monkey might. You see, it takes time to weigh my options on how to handle life's shit bundles. Therefore I can't write about them.

So, I decided when that happens, I will just post some smaller stuff like recent creative work. Or the latest recipe I'm proud of, or have enjoyed if it wasn't mine. Like the blondie bars I just made recently. Goodness they were delicious. I found the recipe on the Smitten Kitchen blog in case you're interested (click here if you want to try it, and I suggest you do!) Chewy and sweet little golden beauties that I balanced with dark chocolate morsels of delight. So good. After making them, I read further down her list of "add-ins" to discover her suggestion of adding bourbon or whiskey. I see Maker's Mark, or Jameson blondies in my future for sure. Perhaps Jameson's as a little treat for my cousin, Matt. Oooo, I could even add some little pieces of candied ginger in there, since he does love a Jamo and Ginger… oh the possibilities are endless. See? Inspired already.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I shall learn how to better deal with life's "little handfuls", so that I can continue to share my personal and beach experiences with you. Stay tuned.  : )

For now, I leave you with a vision of loveliness …

My blondie with a Jameson nightcap. SO good!

Phew… That Was a Doozy, All Right.

It's January 17th already, and another round of holidays have come, and thankfully have gone. I don't want to sound ungrateful, or like I didn't appreciate being with my family and seeing some old friends. Because I did. Parts of it were lovely. It's just that 2013 was exhausting. And the holidays aways amplify what ever you felt throughout the year. Have a great year? Celebration abound. Have a shit year? You're on your third martini singing "I'll Have a Blue Christmas" while watching the most horrible of Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. Of course there were some good moments in 2013, for sure. Some small and important victories. But it seems the bad times were really bad. Like almost 2008/2009 bad. Or could have been. And if anyone in my family can remember, that time frame was devastating. 

And so, I made an interesting observation while driving back to the beach for the first time in 2014, that I felt notable enough to share. Now, let me back track and tell you that I refer to I-40 and US-1 as "death row" and "death alley" because there are so many animals that simply get pummeled daily. Most likely because there aren't any damn street lights on the roadways here. Shit, I even collided with a deer on a very dark, and rainy trip back to the beach. It's bizarre. Especially US-1. I mean, it was so bad at one point that I swore the zombie apocalypse was going to begin right there in the middle of rural North Carolina, and all of the deer, raccoons, squirrels, dogs and "unidentifiables" would just one day rise up and wreak havoc on the human population. It's fairly unnerving to see. And highly possible if you ask me. Add in the "walkers", the nuclear site and the ominous river ways along US-1 and you have yourself an excellent creepy zombie series for the Animal Channel. What's a "walker"? It's exactly what it might sound like. Humans walking. It is nuts how many people walk along the highways here. Some stepping right out of the woods, some hitch-hiking with huge backpacks, some just wandering in an obvious, chemically-induced stupor. I'm not even kidding. Walkers are a "thing" here. One morning during rush hour, a guy was walking in and out of traffic at the friggin' I-40/US-1interchange. He was shirtless and very angry. Best you can do is avoid eye contact, sip your coffee and hope the cops come before he hurts himself. But I digress. Getting back to my observation… 

On my way to the beach for the first time in 2014 I saw life. I saw a few deer pop out from the woods, run a little ways, then turn to head back in. I saw two dogs running and laughing in the grass along the highway like they had just made the grandest of escapes ever, and I prayed they made it to their getaway car without being hit by it. I saw birds and tiny things that were not dead. Surely this must be a good sign of things to come. I'm not big on "signs" like I was when I was a girl. Sometimes I think looking for them suggests we're not confident in our decisions. Or we're looking for false hope out of the need for comfort. But perhaps I'm wrong. I just have to believe this year will be a better one than last. And that life will have more, well, life in it. And good life in it at that. Good energy. Progress. Forgiveness. New opportunities. Love. Yeah, definitely love. And growth. 

Some things need to change. And perhaps this will be the year they will for the better. My only resolution this year is to let go of 2013 completely. You can't move forward if you're holding on to something behind you. Try holding on to a doorknob and walking through the doorway. You won't make it out if you don't let it go. 

Happy new year, everyone. Cheers to a healthy, prosperous, safe, loving and down right AMAZING 2014.